Sometimes, I look out on the gigantic ocean of porn on the Internets, and think that there’s got to be something more out there. Have I jerked off to everything… yet? It is in this dark time that I turn to music videos for a little change of pace.
America’s Weird Little Sister™ Taylor Swift released a video to go along with her newest single “Bad Blood,” and when the effervescent voice of the lady at the local pop station in my town said that it was a totally sexy video, my ears perked up.
“Bad Blood” is reportedly a “beef” song about Katy Perry attempting to steal some backup dancers from Taylor Swift. In a world of rhythm-less white girls, this is a most heinous crime! Lamentably, it kind of lessens the oftentimes greatness of “beef” battles when a couple of dance-averse pop stars are beefing over a bunch of back up dancers.
What is a girl like Taylor Swift to do? Well… write a haughty song about it! Then… make a “naughty” video!
What Is This Crap?
Our video starts out in a nondescript office building with some of the most god-awful stunt fighting in the history of man. Even worse is the unflattering “Katy Perry” wig they put Selena Gomez in!
Perhaps this is to pull the focus away from her and put it on Taylor Swift, who applies lipstick and awkwardly makes sexy kicks at bad guys?
Apparently, Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez are after a suitcase, which probably contains a 14-pound list of ex-boyfriends.
In a twist that no one could see coming, Gomez betrays Taylor Swift and kicks her out of a window. Also, someone was really proud to have made this piece of shit video:
Smashing safely on top of the car, Taylor Swift begins the song in earnest.
Next we see her getting an MRI… or something? Is she actually hurt? Are they putting her back together to do more missions? Get revenge on
Katy Perry Selena Gomez for rudely kicking her out of a window? Kendrick Lamar from accounting may have the answers, as he is introduced to rap poorly about things tangentially related to the video.
Then a twelve year old boy shows up to… wait… that’s Lena Dunham trying to fellate a cigar, or belch out the pizza she had for lunch… is this supposed to be “bad-ass?” I just kind of threw up in my mouth a little… gross!
Next, we get a scene ripped off from Tron: Legacy, and now properly armored against sexy window kicks, Taylor Swift is now ready to go to battle. At some point the story in this video will start, right?
Wandering through what appears to be an all “bad-ass” female locker room, we are introduced to several ladies being “bad-ass.” They include a woman named “Dilemma” punching a dent in the wall, a chick named “Slay-Z” shooting things out of a compact, and “Destructa X” showing that she really wasn’t paying attention during “Employee Safety Day” at the Taylor Swift Intelligence Agency, as she’s pointing a goddamned rocket launcher around! On top of this, she’s screaming “Bad Blood” lyrics? Does TSIA have a psychiatric division for this kind of blatant crazy?
Taylor Swift gets in on the “bad-ass” and awkwardly punches a hole in the wall instead of using a door like a normal human being.
Not one to be left out, “Homeslice” awkwardly sword-fights herself in the “Cage of Bad-Ass,” where the victor earns the right to join the other “bad-ass” ladies in the aforementioned locker room to haphazardly shoot, break things and scream “Bad Blood” lyrics mere feet away from other people.
“Mother Chucker” lives up to her name by pulling nunchucks out of a giant ass purse. In the interim, a bored Taylor Swift and rap-filled Kendrick Lamar sit in a plastic car… and do nothing. I think it’s supposed to be an invisible car?
Meanwhile, “Cut Throat” rips a fart and throws a knife through a teddy bear: the death of innocence! Symbolism!
The poorly nicknamed “The Crimson Curse” stole her costume from The Fifth Element, which in this video apparently means blood. Man blood, lady blood: it’s all the same to “The Crimson Curse!”
Guess that invisible car really wasn’t going anywhere, as in the next scene we are still at the TSIA compound, and Taylor Swift begins her training montage in a snow filled room with “Frostbyte”… get it… ’cause it‘s cold! Then we watch a sexy slow motion girl fight with the aptly named “Knockout.” Again, we witness more of the worst stunt fighting ever, as Taylor Swift and “Knockout” sexily punch each others faces. Again, the plot should start anytime now.
Taylor Swift gets on to her motorcycle for some slow riding around the room training. Again, lazily borrowing from Tron, she and Jessica Alba’s “Domino” sexily take off their helmets. Training complete!
It seems as though the “bad-ass” lady that was supposed to teach Taylor Swift how to walk sexy either died in the field or was sick that day, as this scene of Taylor Swift is woefully unsexy and weird to watch. She passes “Justice” and “Luna” in the hallway, who don’t ask why Taylor Swift is carrying a lit flare around for no apparent reason. Doesn’t she know that’s a fire hazard?! I guess “bad-ass” women just carry around lit flares.
It is unclear why “The Headmistress” Cindy Crawford is in this hallway as well. Was Taylor Swift late to a catered meeting, hence meeting “Luna” and “Justice” earlier? Regardless, “The Headmistress” and Taylor Swift sexily bro nod to one another. Training complete?
Finally, the denouement of the video… or is this the beginning of the video… is this the first part to another video that will come at a later date? The world may never know.
The TSIA is finally collected and deposited in a super badly rendered CGI desert field of explosions to face off against poorly-wigged Selena Gomez and her Army of Uggos™! They meet in the middle to scream at each other or something?
Then, the end! A cliffhanger! Oh my God, what’s going to happen next?!
We here at Reaxxion do love Taylor Swift and everything she stands for, but “Bad Blood” is a fart of a song and a turd of a video. From what I read all the actresses chose their own nicknames… and it looks like it. Who would’ve guessed that twenty and thirty (and forty and fifty) something year old women couldn’t think of less one-dimensional names and characters than the ones on offer? Hopefully, her next masterwork will be a lot better… we hope.
But yeah, there was no way I was jerking off to this. Lena Dunham ruined everything and there is no coming back.