Sam Roberts
Sam Roberts is the ethics officer for Reaxxion. Think we're doing something wrong? Want to chat? You can follow him on twitter, or email him from our ethics policy page.
Sometimes, in the course of history, a man is required to take a bold stand. Caesar’s crossing the Rubicon. Goldwater’s declaration that “Extremism in the pursuit of liberty is no vice.” Ryouma Sakamoto’s eight-point plan for the restoration of the imperial monarchy. That time has now come for me, and with the weight of all the sages and philosophers of history behind me I am called to say in a clear, unwavering voice: If you don’t like pineapple on your pizza, you are worse than Hitler.
When you consider the many obvious benefits of pineapple consumption, it’s obvious that a failure to regularly consume Hawaiian pizza is nothing short of treason not only towards your own body, but to your country, your family, and to almighty God himself. Here are just three of the dozens of reasons why you should never eat a pizza without pineapple.
1. Hawaiian Pizza Will Make You Better at Video Games
Experimental processes like this one prove you need pineapple to win.
One of the most important aspects of video gaming is reaction time: not only do you need to see that incoming rocket that’s aimed straight at your head, you need to push the button to dodge it. At the very highest levels of gaming, a nanosecond difference in reaction time can be the difference between becoming a legend and becoming an also-ran.
That’s why for years, the best kept-secret among the gaming elite has been Hawaiian pizza. Modern science has proven beyond a doubt that consumption of vitamin B2, one of the many important nutrients found in pineapple, is critical for improving reaction times [1]. Pineapple on your pizza will give you the edge you need to survive that tough raid boss, pull those adds before they can wipe your healers, or fire a railgun right in a bad guy’s face before he even sees you coming.
2. Hawaiian Pizza Will Get You Laid
She can be yours… if you eat enough Hawaiian pizza.
It’s a tough dating market right now, and it’s tougher if you’re fat. We red-pill men know that while looks aren’t everything, a guy who’s in shape will be much more successful with women than a guy who’s obese. And that’s why we eat lots of pineapple. If you paid attention in your biology class, you’ll know that pineapple is part of a class of foods called “fruits”, and its these very same “fruits” that top doctors recommend as one of your best weapons in the fight against fat. No bro-science here: a 2010 paper by the International Association for the Study of Obesity found that increased fruit consumption was correlated positively with reduced “adiposity”[2]. That’s science-talk for being fat. If you don’t want to be fat and unloved, eat pineapple on your pizza.
3. Not Liking Hawaiian Pizza Is Racist
Despite its reputation as an island paradise, Hawaii has struggled with racism for over a century [3]. The native Hawaiians are a proud people with a long history, and one of their crowning achievements was the invention of Hawaiian pizza, a dish that’s enjoyed all over the world today. (The Colonial oppressors at Wikipedia will tell you that it was created by a Canadian, but this nothing more than cultural appropriation, akin to the Germans saying they invented Shakespeare. If “Hawaiian” pizza was really invented by a Canadian, wouldn’t it be called “Canadian” pizza? The question answers itself.)
By not eating Hawaiian pizza, you’re telling these kids their culture is worthless.
By refusing to eat Hawaiian pizza, you’re contributing to a long legacy of institutionalized and pervasive racism against not only the native peoples of the islands, but the Japanese and Caucasian immigrants that make up its largest ethnic subgroups. That’s right, you’re being racist against THREE SEPARATE GROUPS. That’s three times as bad as normal racism. Do you want that on your conscience? Because I sure wouldn’t.
So there you have it. Three reasons why it’s critical to regularly consume pineapple on your pizza. For your health, for your sex life, for the sake of harmony between peoples everywhere, you need to eat Hawaiian pizza constantly. This is one of those rare, golden instances in life where science, right reason, and the heart combine to leave absolutely no room for debate: if you don’t like pineapple on your pizza, you are worse than Hitler.
Note: For those of you who are wondering what the hell this is about, an explanation can be found here. Also, if you take any nutritional advice from this article seriously, you have only yourself to blame for the inevitable results.
References:
[1] Lieberman, H. (2005). Nutritional neuroscience (p. 227). Boca Raton: Taylor & Francis.Obes Rev. 2011 May;12(5):e143-50. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-789X.2010.00786.x. [2] Relationship of fruit and vegetable intake with adiposity: a systematic review.
Ledoux TA1, Hingle MD, Baranowski T. [3] Association between Perceived Racism and Physiological Stress Indices in Native Hawaiians
Joseph Keawe‘aimoku Kaholokula,1 Andrew Grandinetti,2 Stefan Keller,2 Andrea H. Nacapoy,3 Te Kani Kingi,4 andMarjorie K. Mau1
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