In February, Bulimia.com, a supposed hub for the treatment of eating disorders, published an article that took several famous male and female superheroes and Photoshopped them into having “average American bodies”. Here is how I imagined what their origin stories might be. Meet the Super Fatties and get ready to have your childhood ruined.
1. Fat Storm
Coming from a long line of black rights activists, Fat Storm first discovered her power to shame whites when she came into contact with Western civilization. When provoked by the sight of cultural appropriation, Fat Storm bravely charges into battle with her battle cry, “Das raciss!” and shanks the offender. Her fighting style looks something like this.
2. Fat Rogue
Fat Rogue was raised by a lesbian couple who taught her how to terrorize men using false rape charges. She is a proud organizer and leader of SlutWalks, where she walks half-naked through the streets and screams at men who stare at her. Fat Rogue also has the uncanny ability to absorb cakes and pastries merely by touching them.
3. Fatman and Fat Poison Ivy
Fatman was so traumatized by seeing his parents die that he became a chubby chaser. Through countless hours of tai chi and yoga, Fatman turned his body into the pinnacle of male physique: a dad bod with a muffin top. Fat Poison Ivy is the Fatman’s love/hate interest, best seen when she tries to cuddle with him but ends up crushing his testicles with her immense thighs instead.
4. Fat Power Girl
During the day, Fat Power Girl is an indie game dev who creates highly intricate textual hyperlink adventures. During the night, she turns into a member of the Social Justice Society of America and fights for gender equality in programming. She firmly believes her body is the ideal of beauty, and anyone telling her otherwise has to face the immense wrath of her headmates. Fat Power Girl’s cape buckle becomes a new superhero and a fully fledged member of the Social Justice League.
4. Fat Black Widow
Fat Black Widow was trained from birth by the infamous USF Gender Studies department to be an angry SJW. Her inability to conceive makes her detest and shame mothers around the world. She defeats her enemies by posting passive aggressive Tweets and Tumblr posts.
5. Captain Joe Average
Captain Joe Average enjoys doing whatever generic males of his age range do. He is a product of an experiment by his mother, who wanted to slut it up in college but was then unable to land a rich nice guy in her thirties. In combat, he relies on flexibility earned through decades of misuse of gym equipment. Unbeknownst to him, his flamboyant clothing actually protects him from firearms, since enemies think he is insane and refuse to shoot him.
6. Fat Wonder Woman
Unable to get a man to commit to her, Fat Wonder Woman resorts to catching bachelors with a lasso, hoping one will stick around long enough to see that she is actually a pretty good person under all that fat. Her superpower is BDSM.
7. Irony Man
As a bachelor of business engineering, Irony Man can quickly create impressive corporate structures. His superpower is inspiring defeat in all his enemies with his sharp wit and a dry sense of humor and then whipping out his thick, fat wallet to bludgeon them to death.
8. Fat Black Cat
Triggered by success and happiness of all types, Fat Black Cat steals from the normies to make them experience life without privilege. The spoils go to the perennially oppressed through a charity owned and operated by her. Although the government is fully aware of her activities and actually funds Fat Black Cat’s charity, she still enjoys cosplay, sneaking, and stealing, just so she can humiliate cisgendered white hetero males.
9. Fat Psylocke
Fat Psylocke is a rare exception to Super Fatties, since she is willing to actually kill those who transgress against her concepts of social justice. Born and raised in England on traditional Yorkshire pudding made out of the finest organic eggs and milk, Fat Psylocke proudly flaunts her curves. She can also read the minds to detect sexist thoughts before they are said and then cuts up the offenders with her katana made by children in Cambodian sweatshops.
What kind of a sick mind can’t stand the sight of a thin, athletic, muscular body and smooth skin and has to go in and fatten it up? Why does everything have to conform to the “average American” standard of beauty? The sad truth is that in the world the SJWs have envisioned, there are no superheroes: being able to walk on your own two feet is considered a superpower.